We are Ixtab media. What does that mean?
It means we thought the name was cool and that's pretty much it I'm afraid to say.
Ixtab Media is an idea. A great idea. What is the idea? Create a bunch of different art without too many external influences. No giant publishing houses trying to force everything into small boxes, no production companies exploiting civil unrest for free publicity, no bland studio executive syphoning creative freedom from artists. None of that stuff. We believe artists are more than a quota check mark or a line of profit. Granted, we also have minus seventy thousand dollars right now (hence the basic website) but we'll see how it goes. So let's meet the team:
John "judge" Holdem
John "Judge" Holdem is the face of our media collective and the social liason with the outside world. Known for his love of pudding and wildlife, John "Judge" Holdem is a man. What sort of man? We don't really know. He didn't even provide a photo or a bio for this website. He just insisted that he be given top billing or there "would be severe consequences." Given what happened to former CEO of the company, we are obligated to fulfill this request. He has been around since the sands of time were still a rock and he has a million names, each one worse than the last.
Virgil is our CTO and webmaster. He was born on a Tuesday, which his mother thinks means something. It doesn't. Nothing means anything. The whole world is a chaotic mess of nothing and the universe doesn't care about any of us, mom, so just, like accept that. Virgil graduated from Harvard with a masters in Philosophy and applies his Hegelian outlook on the world of technology. He wants to be a philosopher prince. His last wife left him for the Bruins' head of marketing.
Madeline is the head of the literature department. She is driven to YA written by white women in their twenties, Historical Fiction written by white women in their twenties, and Detective Thrillers written by friends of her father. She was married to the last CEO. As punishment for his crimes, she has been forced to actually read books from an eclectic array of authors instead of glibly enforcing the status quo under the guise of diversity. She collects Pokemon lunchboxes and Pogs. Remember them?
Murdoc tooms (Last known photo)
Murdoc Tooms is one of our bestselling authors. He hasn't been in touch for over a year, since his successful book "Rules You're Not Man Enough to Live By" dropped. Any information as to his whereabout would be greatly appreciated. He was last seen buying lumber for his off-grid facility shortly after the tragic death of our CEO. Cash reward for his capture. Please send all tips to email@example.com please. We miss you Murdoc.
Trisha "ish" domingez-patel
We are supremely happy to welcome Trisha to our team as head of music and advertising. Coming from an Indian/Mexican background and being a woman, Trisha feels music and advertising in her bones. It's in her DNA. Also, we can list her as two hires in our annual reports so shareholders feel like they're more progressive than they are. Trisha loves to travel and hike and walk and eat food and we think we saw her listen to some Otis Reddin once, so make of that what you will.
As head of our film division, Magaluf has proven himself to be lacklustre, lazy, incompetend, smelly, violently hostile, explosively reactive to critique, and in complete contempt for all women and minority workers he comes into contact with. As such we thought he was the best person to head our growing film department. Many of our projects are no longer available pending litigation, but others are just bad. Magaluf loves Hawaii but not Hawaiians owing to the incorrect belief he is related to James Cook.
Larry Jones is our Podcasting executive responsible for all our podcasts you probably can't find on your podcast platform of choice. Her first pocast, Why can't I Find my Podcast on this Podcast App, won no awards. Have I said Podcasting enough? Garry's upcoming podcast projects include Actual Human Beings Who Died Horrible Deaths, Reading Wikipedia at Random, Talking 'Bout Bagels, and Confirmation Bias With Dull Comedians. In her spare time, Harry looks at the curtains.
Yvsely is our head of R&D with a current focus primarily on AI, Deep Learning, and Cybernetics. He is personally overseeing out Nanomachine project NxtPhase and we're excited what this future will bring for this former lecturer and CERN employee. We expect big things. Ysvely likes MLP, Marvel movies, and the belief that one day technology will purge the world of our fallow, selfish existence and usher in a new epoch, a new era, a new zeitgeist nobody will be able to stop can stop should stop i am in a secured facility please tell my wif i di n't de
at night he comes
of nights he come and come he do into hearth and door anew motivating whispers in the night careful now its bendy fright bendy man bendy man deep in my heart do the writing all take part if work of all this not been doing bendy man come and take your gooing suck the marrow eat the bones bendy man bendy man work of drones a hundred thousand bendy man will come and take your soul to hell past the darkness and the void hurry with work or he annoyed be plucking at your feathered brow if not before then very now bendy man is as bendy man does he comes for all he comes for you even now his sneaking whispers down halls he slithers coming tither he knows of what you are and were and where and how and who and what and he will get you if he wants is already thing what been decideds he come for all in the nithes
man (employee of the year)
man works most hard in his department and gets all the work what we have asked him to do done when we ask him to do the work we've asked him to do. good job man! keep going man! very happy for you today!
in miranda: wayne swann
We will never forget you Wayne our first CEO. It was your death that saw an end to our old model of publishing and found this new branding creep into existence first bit by bit then all at once. wayne wyyan wayen we miss you so much and think gabiut you all the days.
Wayne was surplus to requirement and can be found on a cold metal slab in out HQ basement. Stop looking for answers and join us in mourning poor, dead Wayne with the reminder: you could be next if I don't get what I crave most.
Bev (queen of the interns)
Let us hear it for Bev for she is the queen of the interns. As intern queen she makes all of the other interns what they are today. A wonderful woman with wonderful dreams. That is why she's intern queen. The other interns love and respect her so much they have given up their space on this page so that her photo might be the biggest of them all. But don't worry other interns, if you fail you will be replaced within minutes thanks to Bev's wonderful ability to procure more interns than we can possibly handle having at any given moment in time.